You were my home

 It wasn't love, what i felt towards you. It was something deeper, more powerful than some stupid childish love....

It felt i had this deep connection with you; spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and physically...

It's just so hard to describe how i felt towards you, what you really mean to me...i, unfortunately don't know for sure if you felt the same or not but i just don't care. I am getting it out of my chest, maybe you would come across this post and understand how i feel.

I have been always terrible at showing any emotions, of expressing my feelings, it made me feel pathetic and weak and that's something i hate about myself....

With you, i felt you udnerstand me, you know who i truly am. We could talk for hours and hours about everything and anything from the stupidest idiotic issues till those deep, intellectual queries about the universe and rebirth and humanity and so on....

You made me laugh, alot even without trying to. You always asked for my advice, shared your daily routine with me, told me your problems, i felt that you are involving me in your life and how i loved that.

I felt that am a cornerstone in your life, like am irreplaceable, indispensable. It felt the best i have ever felt or ask for....

But now, oh how things can easily change...

I no longer know where i stand in your life. I actually feel the opposite of everything i said...i feel i am no longer important to you, my presence or absence doesn't matter anymore. Like am not your supporter anymore. You don't need me....

And oh how it hurts so much, like a knife through my chest, like a burn inside that can never be turned off....

Emptiness, disappointment, hurt, pain and agony alot of emotions that i can neither understand nor express

But i have to move on, i have to live my life, i have to accept the fact that you are no longer a part of my life...

See, i told you it wasn't just love i felt towards you, you were my HOME.....

Insecurities

 

In today's world it's normal to feel insecure. Life has been turned into a competition. A competition in every aspect that it is overwhelming and tiring.

Your looks, how much money you have, the clothes you wear, the car you ride, every single thing....

Standards have been turned around, nothing makes sense, everyone is judging....

And when it comes to relationships that's another story....

Insecurity became the cornerstone of every relationship nowadays. It's normal to feel that way I mean it's like you're in a daily competition with everyone....

And people became hard to deal with...

Judging and comparing and bluffing the most hurtful words in your face... No one take a minute to reconsider their actions or their words anymore....

So, in a world full of chaos, how will you maintain your self-worth?!

 

And the distance keeps widening

So once again, it's happening...the distance is being widened! Is it me?! to it's you?! Or it's both of us?!

Like destiny doesn't want us to be together.... Like God just said that this relation is sentenced to END...I miss you?! well I won't say no... Does it still hurt till this moment?! 
Hell yea! But what can I do? Am out of choices, out of solutions, out of everything! feeling lost, feeling empty...Like swimming in a sea of illusions.... when wills this end?! I try harder and harder to get you back, but all I get is more distance between us!!
Do u feel the same?! do I cross your mind?! Did u every love me? do u still?! I wish I could read your mind; it would have been way easier than this confusion am living in!!
Are u trying like I am?! Or u just gave up?! u used to care, used to show it in your writings, but now?!!!! NOTHING!! like Nothing!! as if u sold it all out! you sold me out?! I will just have to adapt to this situation, oh who am I kidding, am already used to this years ago...
so farewell sweetheart, I will really miss those days of us together! it was nice to meet you!!!

Twirling around

 Twirling, twirling around.... I am feeling numb...where do I stand?! how can I keep myself together again?! all thoughts inside my mind, going round and round...I am going to explode...I feel am a walking dead....

Friends?! are they really my friends?! sometimes they show it, mostly no?!
I need them with me, I need to feel their presence!! what's the use of saying we are your best friends but acting like not?! And people who harmed me? or hurt me before?! They act as if nothing has happened?! wow! how heartless are they?!! They smile at your face, talk to you, laugh with you, act like nothing had happened before.
What's this world?! so weird?! I feel am not from this planet?! like someone from another galaxy?! 
My accomplishments left unspoken! my achievements unappreciated. As if what I do is all some useless crap! What am I supposed to do then?! 
and here I am lost in space....in a black hole!! can't find myself, don't know who I am anymore!!! 
So, I keep on TWIRLING AROUND!!!

The Left Over

 Have you ever felt left over?! Like being alone?! like no one cares about you?! Like you really don't matter?! Just a stock?! Not anyone's priority?! It kills?! does it hurt?! well yea I know, it really sucks! I know how it feels....so hard, so sad, so bad....

Trying to lie to yourself to just keep living...…your friends?! I don't know what about them...when they do things that make you feel like trash! like you're not important....
let's say an example?! Shall we?!
when you had been planning for your birthday party for 2 or 3 weeks, and your friends are supposed to be with you?! didn't ask for something fancy, just to hang out with them for the day and have fun?!
well they agree and things keep going great and before your big day, one day before it, they surprise you by the fact that they all abandon you, left you for silly reason! you get mad but understand that may something urgent has happened that led to this change in plans!! Then you discover what!! one of them just dumped you because she wanted to hang out with her other friends!! leaving you ALONE on your birthday?! How does it feel?! Burn inside of you?! The ANGER?! The RAGE?! Don't lie and tell me it was ok with you ?! or else you are feeling-less!! and that's one example!!
when you call them every day to hang out and they turn you down?! when they never call, never ask to go out?! They prefer to stay alone at home rather than hang out with you?!
I don't know what to say! I leave the verdict is left to you!! cause all I feel is that I am LEFT OVER!!!

A drop of " INK"

Each one of us has a different way to release their pain, anger, asphyxiation, sadness, misery …. etc. Some people lock themselves in their rooms, some people prefer to cry to wash away all what's inside. Some people talk about what bothers them, others sing out loud, artists love to draw, but when it comes to me?! 

A pen and some papers are my PERFECT way to release all the pressure and pain inside me...…
A drop of "ink"...… fell on some paper and it started writing....writing....writing....and writing!
writing what my lips can't speak, what my eyes fails to show, what my tears scream of....what my soul feels inside...
and then I look up at the ceiling and think....think of all those steps I made, all those moves I took...
all seem wrong, although at that moment seemed right?!
so where should I go?! I am so lost!! to the right where nothing is left? or to the left where nothing is right?!
should I have done this?! or I should I have done something else?!
 should I have listened to my heart? or it was better to follow my mind?!
How can I control those feelings?! how to silence all these sounds I keep hearing.... all those images that flash In front of my eyes like thunder?! 
what is friendship?! what is love?! why there's hatred?! betrayal? loyalty?! trust?! treason? truth? lies?!
all jumbled in my head!! a lot of confessions left unspoken, a lot of words that change nothing....
nothing to be said!! because no one gets me?! just that ink!! only ONE drop!! could say it all!!!
And In the end?!!! 
well, that's a question NO ONE can answer.... JUST FATE!!!

Delusional

 People define "stupidity" into several definitions.... but when it comes to myself...I have an interesting point of view when it comes to defining the word: "stupidity". From my point of view it means LYING to yourself while knowing the TRUTH, whatever the situation is. u just keep lying to yourself and convincing it that those lies are the truth until yourself is just bound to believe those lies.... it's nothing but illusion in a matter of fact...but why not?! some people prefer living in those lies than to face the terrible, hurtful truth!!! well no matter how long you live in those lies, at a TIME u will discover the truth, or it will hit you in the face, or u will hear it loud and clear and when that happens, u will be shocked, devastated, broken, miserable, and all this shit you will fee l.... so it's better that no matter how hard the situation, u must keep honest and true with yourself.... cause yourself is too precious to torture it like that.... cause in the end, it’s you who will pay the price!!!