Insecurities

 

In today's world it's normal to feel insecure. Life has been turned into a competition. A competition in every aspect that it is overwhelming and tiring.

Your looks, how much money you have, the clothes you wear, the car you ride, every single thing....

Standards have been turned around, nothing makes sense, everyone is judging....

And when it comes to relationships that's another story....

Insecurity became the cornerstone of every relationship nowadays. It's normal to feel that way I mean it's like you're in a daily competition with everyone....

And people became hard to deal with...

Judging and comparing and bluffing the most hurtful words in your face... No one take a minute to reconsider their actions or their words anymore....

So, in a world full of chaos, how will you maintain your self-worth?!

 

And the distance keeps widening

So once again, it's happening...the distance is being widened! Is it me?! to it's you?! Or it's both of us?!

Like destiny doesn't want us to be together.... Like God just said that this relation is sentenced to END...I miss you?! well I won't say no... Does it still hurt till this moment?! 
Hell yea! But what can I do? Am out of choices, out of solutions, out of everything! feeling lost, feeling empty...Like swimming in a sea of illusions.... when wills this end?! I try harder and harder to get you back, but all I get is more distance between us!!
Do u feel the same?! do I cross your mind?! Did u every love me? do u still?! I wish I could read your mind; it would have been way easier than this confusion am living in!!
Are u trying like I am?! Or u just gave up?! u used to care, used to show it in your writings, but now?!!!! NOTHING!! like Nothing!! as if u sold it all out! you sold me out?! I will just have to adapt to this situation, oh who am I kidding, am already used to this years ago...
so farewell sweetheart, I will really miss those days of us together! it was nice to meet you!!!

Twirling around

 Twirling, twirling around.... I am feeling numb...where do I stand?! how can I keep myself together again?! all thoughts inside my mind, going round and round...I am going to explode...I feel am a walking dead....

Friends?! are they really my friends?! sometimes they show it, mostly no?!
I need them with me, I need to feel their presence!! what's the use of saying we are your best friends but acting like not?! And people who harmed me? or hurt me before?! They act as if nothing has happened?! wow! how heartless are they?!! They smile at your face, talk to you, laugh with you, act like nothing had happened before.
What's this world?! so weird?! I feel am not from this planet?! like someone from another galaxy?! 
My accomplishments left unspoken! my achievements unappreciated. As if what I do is all some useless crap! What am I supposed to do then?! 
and here I am lost in space....in a black hole!! can't find myself, don't know who I am anymore!!! 
So, I keep on TWIRLING AROUND!!!

The Left Over

 Have you ever felt left over?! Like being alone?! like no one cares about you?! Like you really don't matter?! Just a stock?! Not anyone's priority?! It kills?! does it hurt?! well yea I know, it really sucks! I know how it feels....so hard, so sad, so bad....

Trying to lie to yourself to just keep living...…your friends?! I don't know what about them...when they do things that make you feel like trash! like you're not important....
let's say an example?! Shall we?!
when you had been planning for your birthday party for 2 or 3 weeks, and your friends are supposed to be with you?! didn't ask for something fancy, just to hang out with them for the day and have fun?!
well they agree and things keep going great and before your big day, one day before it, they surprise you by the fact that they all abandon you, left you for silly reason! you get mad but understand that may something urgent has happened that led to this change in plans!! Then you discover what!! one of them just dumped you because she wanted to hang out with her other friends!! leaving you ALONE on your birthday?! How does it feel?! Burn inside of you?! The ANGER?! The RAGE?! Don't lie and tell me it was ok with you ?! or else you are feeling-less!! and that's one example!!
when you call them every day to hang out and they turn you down?! when they never call, never ask to go out?! They prefer to stay alone at home rather than hang out with you?!
I don't know what to say! I leave the verdict is left to you!! cause all I feel is that I am LEFT OVER!!!

A drop of " INK"

Each one of us has a different way to release their pain, anger, asphyxiation, sadness, misery …. etc. Some people lock themselves in their rooms, some people prefer to cry to wash away all what's inside. Some people talk about what bothers them, others sing out loud, artists love to draw, but when it comes to me?! 

A pen and some papers are my PERFECT way to release all the pressure and pain inside me...…
A drop of "ink"...… fell on some paper and it started writing....writing....writing....and writing!
writing what my lips can't speak, what my eyes fails to show, what my tears scream of....what my soul feels inside...
and then I look up at the ceiling and think....think of all those steps I made, all those moves I took...
all seem wrong, although at that moment seemed right?!
so where should I go?! I am so lost!! to the right where nothing is left? or to the left where nothing is right?!
should I have done this?! or I should I have done something else?!
 should I have listened to my heart? or it was better to follow my mind?!
How can I control those feelings?! how to silence all these sounds I keep hearing.... all those images that flash In front of my eyes like thunder?! 
what is friendship?! what is love?! why there's hatred?! betrayal? loyalty?! trust?! treason? truth? lies?!
all jumbled in my head!! a lot of confessions left unspoken, a lot of words that change nothing....
nothing to be said!! because no one gets me?! just that ink!! only ONE drop!! could say it all!!!
And In the end?!!! 
well, that's a question NO ONE can answer.... JUST FATE!!!

Delusional

 People define "stupidity" into several definitions.... but when it comes to myself...I have an interesting point of view when it comes to defining the word: "stupidity". From my point of view it means LYING to yourself while knowing the TRUTH, whatever the situation is. u just keep lying to yourself and convincing it that those lies are the truth until yourself is just bound to believe those lies.... it's nothing but illusion in a matter of fact...but why not?! some people prefer living in those lies than to face the terrible, hurtful truth!!! well no matter how long you live in those lies, at a TIME u will discover the truth, or it will hit you in the face, or u will hear it loud and clear and when that happens, u will be shocked, devastated, broken, miserable, and all this shit you will fee l.... so it's better that no matter how hard the situation, u must keep honest and true with yourself.... cause yourself is too precious to torture it like that.... cause in the end, it’s you who will pay the price!!!

Keep it all inside

 

I remember some people saying when u feel depressed, sad, or mad, the best thing to do is to talk about it with someone. To let out everything inside of you, cause stacking it inside you will lead to your explosion in the end. And of course, no one wants to explode....

But who to talk to?! Friends?! well yes of course, maybe one member of your family, your mum?! Or dad?! or an elder brother?!
Yet sometimes no one can understand you, no one feels what you feel, everyone has their own drama and nowadays people just prefer to trouble themselves with their own problems than troubling themselves with others' problems!! 
So they ask you how are you doing?! and when you say you're ok, they believe it, even though they might be sure a hundred percent that you are not! they may repeat the question again or may insist that you tell them what's wrong with you, yet when you start talking, I don't know how to tell you or describe it.
have you ever felt that people just let you talk and talk and talk and in the end they tell you, Don't worry! everything will be ok!
just they let you talk and tell them everything inside you just to relieve their conscience, or not to appear bad friends or whatever!!! 
Just I no longer want to talk!! sometimes I slip and say what's wrong with me and oh how I regret it in the end! cause talking about my problems No Longer makes me feel better, or makes me feel relieved! So?! it's better to keep it all inside!
another point that forces me to shut up, is that people are nowadays UNTRUSTABLE....
one day they are your best friends, the other days they are your worst enemies!! 
knowing your secrets can ruin you, it can be a very good weapon to destroy you!! they can use all the info. they know about you against you someday!
So what is the solution?! Keep it all inside?! or talk to yourself about it?! sometimes CRY?! will you feel better?!
well I guess this issue will be kept suspended!! Until a reasonable, useful solution is achieved!!!

More Than Words

 

Asphyxiation....sadness.... when you feel that there's a huge weight on your chest that you can't remove!! 

when the smile you are faking can no longer stay on your face....
when the mask you've been wearing for so long has fallen finally to show the truth that you have been desperately hiding from everyone else....
the smile turns into a frown, the laughter turns into cries...but all this in SILENCE!! because you don't want anyone to know what's wrong with you!!
why so?! because no one actually cares, and if they do, they will care for some time then things become BORING!! 
But let's pause for a moment and speak practically somehow.... Words??!! those words that come out of our mouths telling the story of our pain, agony, hurt, and so on!!
are they enough?! No! sometimes what's deep inside is "MORE THAN WORDS " 
Not something that you can easily describe!! words represent a very small portion or I might say percentage of what you really want to say!!
the point is sometimes words are not enough
that's why it's better to keep it all inside, try to move on, distract yourself, think of something that might bring you happiness!! 
Cause the heart or the mind might be filled with millions of thoughts, and billions of feelings that are kept, locked inside because WORDS cannot describe how you really feel!!!! 
 

Standing among the Wreckage

Wreckage....dust...chaos....fallen parts everywhere....broken glass....blood pouring....lost memories...tears spilt.....

I am standing in the wreckage....!! after everything around me had fallen apart, everything is doomed!!
I am feeling numb...I am feeling shocked, I can't think anymore!!
I don't know what should I do ?! which path to take ?! the left when where nothing is right?! or the right path where nothing is LEFT!! lost it all!! every step I take seems right at its time and then I get shocked at the consequences!! 
what the hell am I supposed to do?! I can't take actions anymore!! where are those people who used to be sticking around me?!
seem to had escaped when they saw that everything around me is starting to fall apart!! 
I am now standing alone then, helpless, hopeless, breathless.......
no words to be said .... not anymore!!! 
when suddenly everything is falling apart, crashing, and you don't know where to go?! how to escape this situation....
losing yourself, losing everyone else.... what next?! 
the sky becomes clear now, the sun is rising, the noise of the crashing stops!!
and am here again ALONE .... standing on the edge!! and I have to find my way, have to start again!! 
and again, I am afraid TO FAIL, AND STAND IN THE WRECKAGE ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

An Empty Hole

 

Have you ever felt it?! This hole inside of you?! like your soul is empty?! like there's nothing inside...?! huge emptiness?! hollow?! emotionless?! feeling-less?!! 
a ghost haunting you every day?! that's what it feels like the day "HE" walked away out of my life!!
I said I would get used to the feeling that he is no longer here with me. I used to say I will move on and let him go easily!! but I was so dumb! I convinced myself that I can find a substitution to him!! but I guess some people are one of a kind!! not because they are so special or unique. but because they make us FEEL special and UNIQUE...!!!
I cried a lot that my eyes dried up, I screamed so hard till my sound was gone......
I acted strong when I was cracking down, I showed I didn't care when I was dying inside!!
wrong moves, stupid actions, dumb reckless words and that's the result!
Lost you forever! I tried to move on and so on , everyone just calling me a fool to keep holding on, but no one actually understands the fact that it's not according to my will!!! my feelings are taking control of me!!
we don't talk, we don't meet anymore! but I see you standing there and it kills me, I see you laughing with that girl or hanging out with another and I die a little inside....cause I remember those days when that girl was " I " … 
and I have to pretend that nothing is there, no more feelings towards you, like we are just friends, and just less than friends!! 
I put that fake smile and move on!! I convince myself am fine and I can live like that, that I will find someone better than you that will make it up to me, who will make me forget all this pain and misery 
yet who am I kidding?! it's so hard to love twice, especially when it's true love!!
and I still wonder if you ever loved me or not!?!? and how does it torture me every time I assume, I was just " someone " you have met and that's all!! 
it just in times when everything is falling apart, when am standing among the wreckage of my life I wish you were here. to encourage me, to give me a boost, to make me feel strong as you used to do!! where are you when am in desperate need for you?!
you are just gone! and I will have to accept that fact! and the nest time I need you I will have to wipe some tears, act strong, and tell myself: " IT'S ALL OVER NOW" 
I will have to get myself together and face it all alone....
yet I won't deny it, I really do miss you !!!!!!!

The invisibility cloak !

 

Have you ever wished you could be invisible?! like you can put on a coat or a hat or say a magic word and BAAMM, you are invisible?!No one can see you, only you can see everybody, can hear their talks freely, can avenge from them, a lot of things!! but what if you decide to be invisible cause you need to be alone?! you are so done of this world that you need to take a break....remove this "fake" smile , be yourself, feel free without people judging you or scolding you....what a joy!! when your sadness and depression reach a point where you can NOT fake it anymore....when it's too hard to smile....when laughing and joking or pretending you are fine is impossible. And what do you find in return?! no one gives a damn shit! moreover they blame you for being Mr. or miss frowny!! 

how dare you get mad or depressed?! as if you are there just to entertain them?! they love you ONLY when you are happy and cheerful, they want you to be there OLY for them when they are sad or when they need some help or advice!! other than that, your presence isn't important!! and if you are in a bad mood or something, they want you to step aside so you don't ruin their happy mood! how bitchy?!! 
When you feel better after talking to a wall, than to talk with someone.... this means that you've reached the end of the road!! cause all people say is hoo-hah come on NOTHING deserves. Well actually they are the ones who don't deserve a shit!! 
you look in a bad mood, they ask you why and you start telling them and what do they do?! let you talk and talk then say " nothing deserves" as if I was talking to myself while actually myself will respond in a better way than they did!! is it that hard to find someone who comes to you and asks you what's wrong?! and LISTENS well to you, THEN cheer you up in a GOOD RESONABLE way?! what's wrong with people those days?! I bet animals are more sympathetic that humans are!!! And they just throw their words at you without considering how will those WORDS affect you....a small example on that: for any reason you got fat, especially if it's a disease or medications or something you can't control and people make fun of it wither by telling you OMG you are so fat now stope eating and do some exercise!! or by saying oh come on, you aren't fat at all....
both ways it hurts!! if you gained weight and turned fat you KNOW it , you don't need people to keep on telling you this, and it hurts so much when every time they see you eating something they keep on reminding you of your curse: being FAT!! that's of course a minor example of how words are actually like daggers!!! I just hope I can go invisible !! cause am sorry but I can't fake it anymore!!